The carrots

I visited a coffee shop I hadn’t been to in a long time and ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in even longer. I ordered my coffee and went and stood with her while I waited. I picked up a cookie to snack on for the wait. It was good to see her.

She was doing really well. Great it seemed. She recently bought a new house, was dating someone new, had hopes of opening up a new small business soon. I was excited for her, nodding and smiling along as she shared her good news taking bites of my cookie. I was hungry yes, but also thought that if I filled up my mouth so full of cookie then maybe I wouldn’t have to talk and tell her how I was doing. Just nod lovingly in support at what she was sharing with me. Chew. Nod. Another bite. When she was done with her updates she looked at me. It was my turn. I smiled and laughed and kindly asked her not to ask about me. I told her that I would rather talk about her and that I didn’t have much to share today. It was true. I really would and I really didn’t. She must have thought I was kidding, I wasn’t. She asked anyway. “So, what’s new with you?” 

I paused. She was waiting. I hadn’t seen her in so long. What would I say? I finished chewing, swallowed my bite and then quietly and quickly responded with some of the cookie still stuck in my throat, “ Well, I have some carrots growing in my garden that I’m excited about.” 

Pause. 

I took another bite.

Silence. 

Carrots growing in my garden? After not seeing a person for the last year and a half and what seems like even longer I responded with “I have carrots growing in my garden.”? 

I took another bite finishing my cookie. 

Well, it was true. I really didn’t want to tell her how I barely got out of bed that day. How I canceled lunch plans with another friend earlier because I didn’t have it in me to be social. I didn’t. This last year left me with a loss of words when I see people it’s been hard to elaborate and soften the struggles in those quick interactions. How watering those carrots ended up being one of the only reasons I did eventually get out of bed. I thought the carrots would be the safest bet. They really were. She smiled, nodded back in support like I had done for her. 

I heard my name. My coffee was ready. 

We hugged and discussed plans for the future. “Let’s see each other soon.” I knew that probably wouldn’t happen until our next random run in. I wonder what would be growing in my garden then? I smiled and waved as I walked to my car. 

It was really good to see her. I was excited for her.

In my car as drove away I sipped on my cold brew and thought about life lately and thought about the carrots. My face still stung from the red warmth of embarrassment that creeped across my cheeks as I talked.

I replayed the interaction over and over again in my head. 

The carrots. It wasn’t enough. It didn’t feel enough at least. 

I instantly began to anticipate all of the other times I would soon be asked how I was doing and about the last year. It has been hard but I’ve made it. I couldn’t say that could I? The next time someone asked? Was it enough? 

I got home and went out onto my balcony to check on my garden. I had watered everything earlier that morning but wanted to check on the carrots. They were in a green pot by the railing in the direct light. I knelt down and felt the sun on my shoulders. I looked at the leafy tops flopping over the sides of the pot. I wanted to save them to make a pesto sauce I read about recently.

And then I saw something new.

The slightest amount of orange sticking above the soil. There was a carrot. I took my hand and touched it. An actual carrot! I’d been waiting for them patiently to grow, not knowing when I would know if they were ready since it was my first time growing them. They took a long time. Like this long year. I ran my fingers through the green tops stopping where the orange nub met the soil. I dug my hands into the dirt around the sides. It went down deeper. I kept digging. I felt the roots.

It’s been growing here. All this time. I didn’t pull it just yet because it still needed some more time to keep growing. I did too. It takes time after all. But it’s still been growing. I’ve been too. Without realizing it. Quietly and slowly like this carrot in the sun. I removed my hands from the pot. I gently covered up the carrots. I brushed off my hands and smiled towards the sky. And I knew in that moment the next time someone asked my answer would simply be the carrots -because of the sun on my skin, my hands in the soil, the slow growth of it all and how those things made me feel-  it was enough.